


What Was Lost

by Opium_Smoke



Series: Collared [8]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Light Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-Ai, M/M, May contain spoilers, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, attempted suicide, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:28:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opium_Smoke/pseuds/Opium_Smoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is only so much betrayal a person can take before they break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Was Lost

**Author's Note:**

> AN (may contain spoilers for story and cannon): I swore my head off at my muse when I got this idea, because it's so far down the time line it makes my head spin. And I'm not talking a couple of months, not even a couple of years. Try a decade or so. Yeah, I was pissed. Also, it seems my Muse decided to become a drama queen, so I'm sorry if the melodrama is too strong, but believe me it's a lot more toned down from what it was originally. 
> 
> There is a line in this story inspired by a quote from the 1st season of the Kuroshitsuji anime; “Something once lost will never return.” STORY SPOILER ALERT! My Beta wanted to shoot Edward at this point, after all this whole thing wouldn't have happened if Edward hadn't ditched Ciel earlier on. And then she wanted to shoot Roy, or at least neuter him. It was rather amusing at the time.
> 
> As always thankyou for all the kudos and comments! 
> 
> Conception Date: 15/9/2013  
> Completion Date: 30/9/2013

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell dreams from reality, Ciel mused in a detached manner as he watched his current boyfriend splutter explanations as to why he was fucking Ciel’s ex-boyfriend. 

He had suspected that he would not be enough for his boyfriend. 

Roy needed someone passionate and fiery, someone who he could fight viciously with then fuck into the floor. Ciel certainly wasn’t enough for him. Oh, he could be passionate in the bedroom, but he was not receptive to Roy’s affections in public. He could present the challenge Roy needed with their verbal sparring and manipulative games, but he didn’t possess the heat Roy sought. 

Now that he thought about it, Edward made a better partner for Roy than Ciel; they had a stronger emotional connection; Edward and Roy shared more experiences; Roy knew how to deal with Edward’s pain in a way he never seemed to be able to with Ciel. 

Roy didn’t notice when Ciel came back late and silent, shields fragile, half shattered glass wanting someone to smash them so he could rage and cry. He didn’t understand why Ciel sat in the weapons room staring at the blades, wondering how they would feel across his wrists or neck. He didn’t know how to comfort Ciel when he left their bed in the middle of the night, to cry large gasping sobs in his old room. Roy couldn’t comprehend Ciel’s persistently cynical view on life, didn’t understand that he needed Roy’s ambition to show him the better side of humanity. He didn’t understand when Ciel came back from a meeting and just stood there hugging him for no apparent reason. He didn’t realize the trust it took for Ciel to allow him to bind and blindfold him during sex.

‘Enough Roy, it’s obvious I’m not enough for you.’ He said hollowly. ‘It would have been nice if you had just told me to my face though, and less embarrassing for you. But I’m happy for you, if he’s the one you love. Make sure you don’t break his heart.’ He smiled slightly at the two mortified and ashamed men then blankly turned away, ignoring Roy’s protests. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow morning to collect my things.’ He closed the door with a soft snick, calmly walking down the stairs and out the front door, remembering to lock it behind him. 

He still couldn’t quite believe it to be true. It was one thing for his boyfriend to be cheating. It was quite another for him to be fucking Ciel’s former boyfriend, in their bed. At least he thought it was their bed. He trusted Roy, as he had trusted Edward. How could they do this to him? 

He wandered the streets for longer than he could remember, walking in a daze. Where he wandered he could not recall; he could have gone into the black districts for all he knew, he might have accidentally killed someone without realizing it. He felt numb, shock protecting him from the chilly wind that characterized Central in the autumn. All he knew was that he was alone now. He had dismissed Sebastian as soon as he had come back down the stairs, his faithful servant melting into the shadows. He didn’t want to see the spiteful or pitiful look on Sebastian’s face; that I-told-you-so expression, he had willed into the centre of Sebastian’s being, meant to spur him on when he was being foolish. 

Night had fallen by the time he awoke from his daze. At some stage during his wanderings the wind had stilled; the skipping leaves falling still. He was in one of the quieter parts of the city, an area where business thrived during the day, but life left in the night. Was he really the only living soul here? 

Suddenly Ciel couldn’t stand the stillness, the absolute lack of movement; not even a breath of wind disturbed the air. He felt a sense of unreality settle on him, as if he was on a stage set; everything seemed to have a sense of artifice. He needed to escape, hide from the world around him. Looking up he saw a solitary bird soring high above, gliding on the gusts of wind. Up, he needed to get up; somewhere he could feel free. With a blink of his single blue eye, Ciel used his alchemy to create shadowy rungs up the side of the tallest building; who cared about the cost to his soul? He didn’t. 

Once at the top he stood in the strange deathly silence, empty buildings casting the streets below into shadow. The sharp wind ruffled his hair, reminding him of how Roy used to run his hand through his hair. Just like he did to Edward as he fucked him. Ciel felt his eye prickle with unshed tears. It surprised him; he thought he had already cried them all out. 

Evidently not. 

He looked out over the slumbering city. It was so beautiful, yet so desolate. The metropolis felt like an empty city, a city of no people; a tired grey wasteland, rather like himself. He looked down the side of the building, the wind whistling up at him, causing his tears to dry. Although he could summon objects out of nothing, he doubted he would be able to do so fast enough if he should fall.

Perfect.

He balanced there for a moment, teetering on the edge, before he felt the wind rushing past him. No he thought I’m rushing past the air. He felt the brief impulse to transmute something to break his fall, but that died as soon as it was born. A clinical calm part of his brain noted that time seemed to slow, but he rationalized it was more likely his brain going into overdrive. Surely this would stop the pain, ease the tiredness that radiated from the bottom of his heart. He was so sick of it all. Ever since he had willed Sebastian into being, something had changed within him. He couldn’t quite pick out what had changed, but he knew he didn’t care for this life anymore.

Thus it was with a jolt of his heart that he crashed into a solid body. He lay there stunned for what seemed long moments, his brain unable to comprehend what was going on. Slowly he became aware of the body underneath, broad chest, the prickle of an unshaven chin. Ciel opened eyes he had not realized were closed. A pair of familiar rectangular glasses lay just beyond the reach of one of his outstretched arms. Out of the corner of his eye he saw bright navy, his nose tickled by the smell of minty cologne he recognized. Rolling off the body that had broken his fall, he sat up and watched in shock as Maes sat up grimacing. It didn’t take long for Maes to refocus his attention on Ciel.

‘Don’t do that again.’ He choked out, lunging forwards as he wrapped Ciel in a bear hug, squeezing him tightly. 

‘But why shouldn’t I?’ Ciel asked hollowly, unmoving in Maes’ arms. Maes loosened his hold a little, just enough for Ciel to face him. The drained soldier lifted his head, his eye a blank marble orb. Maes shuddered inwardly; he had never seen Ciel this emotionless, his eye glazed with apathy and utter indifference. 

‘Because there are people who care for you; myself, Elicia , Gracia, Roy, Edward, Riza-‘ Maes broke off at hearing Ciel’s softly crazed laughter, the low despairing sound sending shivers up his spine, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. Something had happened and it was worse than he had feared.

‘Roy. Really? Evidently he doesn’t really care and neither does Edward.’ Ciel laughed. ‘I’m so tired of everything.’

‘What happened Ciel?” Maes asked softly, one hand rubbing slowly up and down the young man’s spine.

‘Something has been wrong with me ever since I summoned Sebastian.’ Ciel said, as if Maes hadn’t said a word. His voice grew quieter, smaller as he curled in on himself. ‘I fear I have lost something and something once lost can never be regained. I fear I know what I have lost.’ He finished in a whisper that faded to nothing.

‘And what have you lost?’ Soothed Maes continuing to gently rub the young man’s back, hoping to elicit something from the despairing apathy that seemed to fill him, unknowing of where this line of conversation would lead.

‘My ability to hope, to believe.’ Ciel whispered as if in a trance. ‘Ever since I created Sebastian I have been able to see the reality of everything, and in this world there is very little that is good. Dreams are not truth and without dreams how can I hope?’ His voice grew shrill, a mad hysterical note entering his voice, his vocal chords straining, as the weight of his lot in life came crashing down on him. 

‘I can’t even lie to myself! The Truth gave me the truth.’ The aristocrat seized the front of Maes’ uniform, dragging him down like a drowning man, his desperate eye seeking for some hint of comprehension, of understanding from the only person he had left to call family. 

‘The Truth took my hope and faith and without those how can I trust or be resilient? And I know this because it is the truth.’ Maes frowned. He remembered Edward mentioning it before when he was talking about alchemy. He knew it was something to do with the alchemical taboo, appearing to only to those who committed it. Beyond that he didn’t really understand what Ciel was talking about. His frown deepened as he considered Ciel’s words; he talked about truth as if it were a person. How was this truth involved in what ever happened to Ciel? 

‘Ciel?’ Maes asked gently ‘What happened?’

‘I found Roy fucking Edward in our bed.’ Ciel said blankly, the emotion washing out of him as the sea erases footprints in the sand. Maes felt the lava of his anger bubble and begin to flow at Ciel’s words. Maes had told Roy that he better be serious about his relationship with Ciel; had told him there could be no fooling around with this relationship. As the years passed he had thought the relationship was good for the two of them. Roy may have been a brother to him and Edward like another son, but they had both betrayed Ciel. Roy had his team and Maes, and Edward had his brother and Winery. But Ciel… Ciel had no-one, there was no one who he trusted enough to let past his guards and heal what was broken within, no-one he could ever willingly show his weakness.

‘It hurts Maes. It physically hurts.’ Ciel said in that same emotionless tone, his fingers digging into his chest. The bleak voice broke recalled Maes into the present. 

‘Is it supposed to hurt so much? Is the pain meant to linger like this?’ His grip tightened and Maes heard the rip of fabric as his nails tore through. 

‘Maes?’ He whispered looking up into the older man’s face, a spark of life flaring and dying in his lone eye ‘I know you’ve always tried to be there for me, but you can’t protect me forever and you know I can never let you in what does not exist.’ He gave Maes a small, crooked bitter smile that didn’t reach his glazed over eye, his fingers relaxing, as exhaustion took over. 

‘Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t be happier constructing an illusion for myself… I’ve done it for so many others, why shouldn’t I do it for myself? Why can’t I be selfish? I’m so tired...’ He trailed off his eyelid drooping, breathing slowing and deepening ‘I just want to sleep… and never wake...’

With those words Ciel’s eye closed, his breathing slowing down till it was almost imperceptible, limbs and body limp.

Maes was left in the desolate street, half cradling the broken form and wondering if he would ever wake.


End file.
